Depression

So if you have been known me for a bit, you probably know of my self-diagnosed "seasonal affective disorder." So with this S.A.D., one becomes hyperactive/manic during summer time and depressed during winter time, and that's what has been happening to me these past few years.

I didn't even know such a disorder existed until senior year of college. I think the first onset was my sophomore year. Well, I can't say I have the disorder for sure because I never got it officially diagnosed but I have pretty much all the symptoms.

Going through mania during summer (well, mine is milder than really manic episodes) I am filled with energy and joy in everything I do. I'm so filled with purpose and plans. This is when I'm spiritually high and I want to do and actually do everything: meeting up with everyone, planning things, working out, etc.

But when the season of depression comes around, it definitely is not the most pleasant experience. Depression is not just being depressed due to circumstances; it's not even feeling sad but actually being numb to everything, losing purpose and all hope in everything. Everyone feels depressed at some point in life when certain things happen, but real depression occurs when nothing changes around you yet you become apathetic and energy-less. Especially after the extreme hyperactivity and joy of summer, the depression that follows can be detrimental to many as it had been to me.

At this very moment, I am very content where I am. I can say I'm walking very closely with my Lord and He has been the most satisfying. And now that I am aware of what I usually go through, I feel as though I am ready to face depression. But what I have been desperately praying to God is healing. That I would not go through such time as previous winters... But God did teach me so much through depression. If it weren't for it, I would be the most prideful (still am pretty prideful) person ever. God really brought me low to see what a wretched and nasty sinner I am. And really it was only through depression I learned the mercy of God in saving my life literally and eternally. If I didn't have God, I would've had no reason to stop myself from taking my life, but somehow in my mind, it made sense that if I don't live for God, my life is meaningless (and I am NOT a logical person!). So I know it is only by Him that I am living, that I am breathing this breath right now. Apart from Him, I cannot live... There is so much more gratitude living this life knowing that it can be so easily taken away, yet God shows mercy upon me to let me live. And it was through these times of depression when I really found my need for the community of believers. My brothers and sisters who will keep me in check, accountable, and in their prayers so the power of God would bring me back to life.

I've come to a conclusion that I will desperately ask God to heal me, but even if He doesn't, I think I'll be okay. I just need to daily seek God and ask Him for His mercy to draw me to Him, to His cross every single day, every single moment! It's been soooo good to be in His presence, but I realize the moment I stray from Him, I fall and sin. What a wretched sinner I am! By grace of God, I live, so my deepest desire is to live this life for Him who gives me this life.