My God Changes HEARTS!

These are my beloved brothers and sisters of Cerritos Mission Church English Ministry. Some people left early and others couldn't join us =( But aww, we are family =D



These people I love. God has graciously provided me with these people with whom not only can I laugh and have good times, but also, we can share our lives together and grow in Christ as the body of Christ.


My church, Cerritos Mission Church just came back from our EM retreat this weekend. It was short, just Friday night to Sunday morning, but God definitely showed me how He has placed these very people in my life and for them, I am so grateful.

So the story actually begins quite awhile ago. CMC is the first and the only church I attended. While attending here, I was saved by the grace of God around 10th, 11th grade in high school. After I started going out to English Ministry after high school, I've been always contemplating whether I should leave my church or not. Our English Ministry has been struggling ever since I entered EM, with several changes in pastors and with people continually leaving the ministry. Discouraged, I still struggled through it in thinking that it won't be any different if I had gone to another church. And it also was my pride speaking that I will not leave, unlike some others, until our ministry gets better.

Last summer, I was really going to leave the church, but I ended up serving in children's ministry for another year. It felt as if the ministry would crumble if I didn't serve (which was totally wrong of me to think like that!). Pressured into serving, I was there half-heartedly, thinking that I will leave once this year of commitment in serving is over in June of 2010. Such a mindset was hurting not only my own faith but also hurting those I was serving with and the children I was serving. Sad to admit to this but when I had finished this one year commitment, I felt so liberated. Having planned on leaving, I started distancing myself from the church and started to check out different churches with my friend. My plan was to look until I found the "right" church while I attend CMCEM service and then move once I had found the one.

Honestly, I loved every church I went to. I even loved non-Korean churches! I loved EVERYWHERE but CMC. I honestly hated CMC. Talking with few of my friends from CMC, I told them about the problems I had with the ministry and was so sure that I could not stand it any longer. But "in my care for the people at CMC," I told myself that I should talk to the JDSN (intern pastor) about these problems at CMC before leaving so they can work on it.

What a prideful hypocrite I was!! My friend had been inviting me to come to her church's Bible study for many many times, but for some reason, I had not been able to go. Finally I got myself to go, and it was pretty amazing. I could tell from his teaching that the pastor was very Spirit-filled. After the Bible study, we were sharing prayer requests, and I shared that mine was "smooth transition" out of CMC. The pastor asked me why I wanted to leave and I gave the "there is no community at this church," however, for some reason, I confessed that I wasn't sure if God wants me to leave because I had been asking God to "okay" my leaving but I was still uneasy with the decision to leave. I had no peace with it. Then the pastor asked me if I wanted him to pray for me about that because he hears from God. Honestly to hear that from someone I met for the first time, I would think that he's weird, but after Bible study, I could trust in his words. So I told him that I would love to, and as the pastor was writing down my prayer request he said "I think I already know... But just in case, I'll pray more and email you or something." Haha

After everything, the pastor actually asked me if I wanted to know, and OF COURSE I wanted to know! And he told me that he thought that God wanted me to stay CMC for now. And honestly, I had expected that answer and was utterly disappointed. Thought to myself, 'Why?! I hate this church!!' I asked the pastor what would happen if I just went to another church. He said that it's not the word of God that is telling me to stay at CMC, and that God will work with me wherever I go.

I believe it was then when my prayer changed from "let me go" to "what do You want me to do?" I asked God to change my heart if that is really what He desired for me to do.

And guess what? God changed my heart. COMPLETELY. And this is all God's doing so I definitely cannot boast in anything that I had done but all glory be to Him!

As I started praying to stay, I had this sense of peace in my heart I did not have before. And slowly, God showed me that all the problems I had with CMC, all the fingerpointing I did at the church eventually came back towards me: I was the problem. God did much humbling of my heart before I met up with my JDSN. The timing was so funny because I wanted to meet up with him for awhile but due to retreats, trips, etc. I wasn't able to meet up for like 2 weeks. During those two weeks, God really changed and humbled my heart that by the time I met up with my JDSN, I was no longer meeting up with him to point fingers but to really share and to work together to build this community.

What was more amazing was that every time my JDSN would speak, he would preach on the same topic that I had just learned that week. First for-sure confirmation was his sermon on "community," the very reason I was leaving CMC for. God showed me that we both and many others at CMC desire the same thing and that He desires for us to work together. During my whole time at CMC, I had been serving but serving alone without working with others!!

Talking to many brothers and sisters in our ministry opened up my eyes to the sin that I had been in and opened the doors for me to really share my struggles and ask them for prayer and accountability. More and more I spend time with these brothers and sisters, the more I love them and the more I want to spend time with them. These were the very people I had judged, that I had disliked, but God is doing some amazing things in my heart!

I had never been THIS joyful in going to church. It so often became a ritual, an obligation, but God in His abundant grace is filling me with this joy in true fellowship. Really, NOTHING changed at my church except my heart and the joy one can have in obedience (this was what I was talking about when I had previously blogged about joy in obedience).

Glory be to God who is able to change hearts!!